I get the whole NRA armed guard thing. They are looking for positive role models to help our children in this time of confusion and fear. Macho gun toting guards in every school. Replace fear with respect. Replace confusion and anxiety with order. I get it now. It took a few days, but I get it.
In phase two, to be introduced at the press conference scheduled for Valentines Day, the NRA plans to reveal a new line of designer body armor from a very select group of hip American designers, for school aged girls. Wayne LaPierre is apparently already in discussions with several members of various boy bands for sponsorships. Currently it comes in black only, but they are testing a pink camo line that comes in all the youth sizes, all the way down to toddler for you preschool parents. Why Valentines Day? Well, what says love from a parent to a child like a gift of new body armor?
Phase three, planned for an Easter unveiling, will be the new Mace-In-An-Egg. designed to fit in pencil boxes, it’s the Easter gift every child will be demanding. Imagine the child who finds that special hidden Easter egg and discovers the child-friendly Mace-In-An-Egg. Beats jelly beans any time. My friend’s understanding is that Mel Gibson is working on a Saturday morning program called,”Lockdown!” to help cross market the product. Sure to be a hit.
Phase four will be aimed specifically at high school kids as the NRA leads the marketing highway for a new product called Zip. Its the smallest, lightest, quickest and easiest to use firearm ever invented. Resembling a ball point pen, it fires a single .22 caliber round. Targeting the nerd market specifically, it comes with matching pocket protector. Imagine, you’re writing that essay for the World Lit class and you suddenly suspect that the person entering the room is a Bad Guy. He is, after all, carrying what resembles a ball point pen. You instantly stop writing and without giving it another thought, you fire. Everybody calms down and you finish that pesky essay. Now that’s how you make Student of the Month.
My friend didn’t have time to fill me in on the final three phases of the plan because he thought he heard funny clicking sounds on his phone and quickly hung up. But he hinted at possible new product lines for middle schoolers aimed at the untapped holster and bandoleer market.
I wished him luck.